I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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