Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
