i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sorry about my life...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
