Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
