Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
