Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
