How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
