On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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