you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
