I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
