I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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