note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
