Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
