Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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