Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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