i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
