I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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