Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
