You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
