I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
BRING THE BAGELS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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