That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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