literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize