I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
