She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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