"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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