The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't trust your balls anymore.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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