I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize