I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
