oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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