ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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