I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
