It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
