If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
