if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
