I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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