Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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