I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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