we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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