I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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