Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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