There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
