This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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