I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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