I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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