But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They are going to name an STD after you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
