A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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