I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We need to get me chipped asap
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
