twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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