You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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