it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
