Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
