why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
