My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
