when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
