$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize