maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't put those talents on a resume
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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