I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Can i not drive my cunt home
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
