Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
