you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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