Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
