"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
