I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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