when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm getting married
To pizza
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
