We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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