Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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