Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
