piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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