if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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