I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize