I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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