You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
