Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
