I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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